Right Where It Belongs

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all
Right where it belongs

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
And you're really all alone
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you’re hiding in the trees
    
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is that all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself - find yourself afraid to see?

-NIN

Working Through Depression

I'm led to believe

although unexpected events happen in our lives
we are who we are

choices
changes
consequences

all based on how we perceive our surroundings

of course this raises questions about
change
perception...
reality.

I struggle with depression, anxiety, anger...

throwing away clutter in my apartment
I came across a print out I received a couple years ago concerning mental health.
The 10 Fundamental Elements of Recovery

number one stood out

1. Self-direction: Essentially, a person with a mental health condition leads the process of recovery by defining life goals and then designing a unique path toward those goals.

I've recently been reflecting on goals.
during a job interview
I was asked where I saw myself three to five years from now...

I was so taken aback!
how could I possibly answer that question honestly?
I couldn't say a mother.
I couldn't say maybe I'd be dead.
I couldn't say I didn't care.
I couldn't say with confidence that I had ANY goals...

depression is difficult to explain to another soul if they have never been there.
to be perfectly honest
I have trouble with my ADLs (activities of daily living)
every day tasks are often overwhelming for me.
as hard as that is to admit...
it is true.

I feel like the last two years have been a slap in my face!
I'd thought...
I'd come to terms with all the things
I'd never have.
I'd never do.
I thought I was happy.

panic sneaks up
out of nowhere at times

lately I've felt
my existence has no meaning
no hope
no purpose
it's frustrating
it's sad

I set daily goals.
walking
blogging
I make ADL lists.
shower
eat...

some uncontrollable events
contribute to my dismay
but the most prevalent factor?
I've spent the better part
of the last five months
ALONE.

it's recently occurred to me
that even when I thought I was happy
I had the same feelings
of depression, anxiety, and anger.
nothing has changed.

I look back and see the only difference is DISTRACTION.
just enough non-stop...

I suppose if I'm being honest...
 in the past I didn't recognize my
compulsive behavior
destructive behavior
obsessive behavior
lack of coping skills
lack of self esteem
negative thinking
 or understand my
high energy is caused by high anxiety
need to achieve is a need for acceptance

I've gained access to tools to better learn how to move forward in my life.
I am just experiencing a hiccup right now.

THE JOB INTERVIEW
putting effort into my appearance
getting out of the house
answering questions

I hate admitting that I NEED human contact.
for the most part I can do without.

truth?
it was so good to be able to
engage in conversation
make eye contact
and talk about myself.

when I left the interview I felt good.
after much thought.
I've decided this feel good feeling wasn't because I thought I got the job.
it was because I spoke kindly about myself.

when a depressed person is in a negative thought pattern
it is hard to step outside of the thought process
even when we recognize what is happening.

it is easy to say unkind things
about myself
to myself
by myself

I had to point out my strengths and it gave me time away from my weaknesses.

Hopeful Alicen.

THE JOB INTERVIEW
naturally, it reminded me of college.

Simmons College and self-reflection.

only by truly knowing
who “you” are
your strengths
your weaknesses
and really looking within
can you be a GREAT leader.

I feel fortunate
to have had the opportunity
to have a face-to-face interview
... because in person
... sharing who I am
I shine like a star!

I am happy I got the job.

I still feel empty.
I still feel spiteful.
I still fear the future.
I still don't know where I'll be three years from now...
but honestly...
does anyone?